Recently, I have started seeing this woman that I really like and want to hold on to. I don't have a great history when it comes to this kind of thing, though.
I have pretty much always known I was a lesbian, even when I didn't have a word for it. It took 25 years to really come to terms with it in my own mind, and at 42, I am still not out to everyone, but I am to some of my closest friends, and the straight ones are very loving and accepting. However, I don't feel comfortable talking to them about this, and my one gay friend is male. He has his own issues with dating and is in pretty much the same boat that I was in up until a few weeks ago.
Aside from some one night stands, I have never really had any type of relationship with another female. There was one in FL I really liked and wanted to be with, but I screwed it up bad by being very insecure, mostly about my weight and looks. She was much thinner than I was and very pretty. I didn't feel like I could live up to that and it drove her away. I'll always regret that.
A little background.
I grew up very isolated. Parents divorced when I was real young, Mom remarried a man that was never really thrilled to have me around, Dad lived close but was never really around and all were very emotionally absent. Grandparents weren't much better, very standoffish and probably not real thrilled to have a grandchild. (On both sides.) I was the "accidental" baby born to 2 people that never really liked each other. I think they tried to make it work, but it just didn't. I wasn't a real high priority to either one of them.
When Mom and I moved into my Stepfather's house, it was never really explained to me what was going on. All I knew was I wasn't going to be in the home I grew up in anymore. That was pretty traumatic to me. My Stepfather made it clear I was a burden. It wasn't until I moved out that we finally started getting along. But at the time, my room was my sanctuary. I spent more time in there than I ever have anywhere. Even when I moved out, my new apartment was my sanctuary. I didn't have friends other than the one in MI. No one visited me, I visited no one.
When I turned 25, I met 2 gay men that changed my life. They brought me out of my shell and helped me learn to make friends. They helped me figure things out and to learn to accept me for me. One I wound up renting a room from and one that I hung out with after work almost all the time. I also met the first woman I ever slept with, and while that ended up bad, (she wanted me to wear her mother's wedding ring after only one night...ummmm...creeeeee-pyyyyyyy!!!), it did teach me that - yes - this is what I want and what feels right to me. Not that I had anything to compare it to, but it was just so right I knew I needed no further proof.
A few years ago....and I will try and keep this brief...I made the mistake of falling for a man that identified himself as bi. He knew about my history with women and that I identified as lesbian, and he was cool with it. I knew of his history with men, that was fine with me. How it happened, I don't know, but the more we talked, the more we were attracted to each other. I was living in FL at the time, and he was in NC, my homestate. I traveled up to see him, and we clicked.........or so we thought. He had a physical impairment that made full sex impossible, so I still have never had that type. Having sex with him was more like being with a woman due to his limitations, and secretly, I was relieved by this. I don't think I would have liked that. The thought actually makes me ill. It ended badly, which is just as well because it wasn't honest to start with. I wasn't being honest with myself or with him, and by the same token, he wasn't honest with me. By no means were we honest to the situation. In retrospect, I think it was more for both of us a matter of "Someone likes me for me". We did like each other, we just didn't really love each other. I feel like it is the biggest lie I have ever lived and I am not proud of this.
Now, I will be honest. When I started putting up personal ads on the internet, it was for the sole intention of finding a little fun. I was not looking for anything permanent, just a one night stand really. Nothing ever came of the ads...Do they ever? The only interest seemed to be from straight couples that wanted a "playmate", and I don't play that shit. I want another lesbian...no offense to any bi ladies here.
A few weeks ago, I was on Zoosk and I had downloaded the IM they have. I hadn't paid for a subscription, so it was pretty useless, but I kept it, just in case. One woman's profile really caught my eye, and I sent her a flirt. She had previously answered some of the ice breaker questions I had on there and liked what she had to say. I answered one ice breaker question on hers, all I could answer without the sub. Then on a Sunday afternoon, she sent me an IM. I couldn't answer right away but grabbed my CC and got a one month sub. I had to restart my computer to get the IM working, but we were soon talking over it and enjoying the conversation. By the end of the week, we met in person at Starbucks and had a great time. A few nights later, we kissed and it was like nothing I had ever felt. I about collapsed.
Since then, we have talked a lot. She is pretty much looking for a wife, and I just don't know if I can be that. To be honest, I am absolutely terrified. My loner side is coming back out - something I have been fighting for many years - and I am afraid of it ruining this. I am truly terrified of commitment as the only one I have ever had was to someone that I was lying to myself about. And the whole time I was living with him, all I wanted was out.
Now, it's different. I am finally with a woman. One I am very attracted to physically and mentally. She is smart, funny, very sweet and generous. Although we have only kissed, I want more. I do know I want it to be more than a one night stand, but I don't know if I really want to - or, more to the point - have the ability to make it more than just dating. My lone wolf comes out and pushes me away. Resistance is futile. The more I fight it, the harder it pushes back. I am so afraid of breaking her heart. She is still a bit on the rebound from a bad breakup of a 14 year relationship and is just now coming back around to herself, which I completely respect and don't want to stand in the way of. Nor do I want to take advantage of that situation. I sometimes feel like all I would have to do is nudge a little and things would end up in the bedroom in no time, but she equates sex with love more than I do, and she is afraid of falling for someone she doesn't really know, and I am afraid that I would be satisfied with just that and move on and hurt her, and the last thing I ever want to do is hurt anyone. Especially someone as vulnerable as she is now. I am not a romantic, she is, I am not very domesticated, she is. (I am a homebody, but I am not used to sharing space and have never been good at that with past roomates. I have lost many friends by sharing a space with them.) We went out to a club a couple nights ago, and it really hit me that while I do want to be with her and not lose her, I just may because her goals are probably heavier than mine. Am I in love? Not yet. I may fall in love, I may not. Right now, I am definitely ready for sex, but maybe not anything else. However, the more I get to know her and the more time I spend time with her, the more I find myself wanting to just snuggle up in her arms, hold her hand, and just be there. This also terrifies me. What if it doesn't work out? What if we decide we are too different? I don't know if I am ready for that kind of hurt. These thoughts were so heavy on my mind at the club I started crying. We talked some about it when she drove me home, but I couldn't even get all the words out. I couldn't gather my thoughts together like I am doing now. This is a huge fault of mine. Sometimes when I am asked about things, no answer - no WORDS, literally - come to mind and I stutter, panic, and can't even speak enough to say that I can't literally think of anything. It's like my brain just puts a padlock on my thoughts and throws away the key. Literally, there are no thoughts in my head....I can't function. This is very frustrating because I know it looks like avoidance, but this is not the case. Everything seizes up and I can't say anything...not even "I can't say anything." Even those few words just aren't there. I don't know how to get over this and just take the chance. I don't know how to get over myself. I find myself wanting to be what she wants, but at the same time I find myself panicking at the thought. Not to mention that my current living situation - while nearly intolerable - is for my cats. I know I can't find a place that I can afford where I can have both of them. I certainly can't afford to buy anything. They are my kids, and I will never sacrifice them or leave them behind. This is another obstacle. I always have to take them into consideration.
If you made it this far, I thank you and any and all advice is most welcome. Thank you in advance. If there is any detail that isn't clear, or more info you need, please ask.