Recently, I have started seeing this woman that I really like and want to hold on to.  I don't have a great history when it comes to this kind of thing, though.  

I have pretty much always known I was a lesbian, even when I didn't have a word for it.  It took 25 years to really come to terms with it in my own mind, and at 42, I am still not out to everyone, but I am to some of my closest friends, and the straight ones are very loving and accepting.  However, I don't feel comfortable talking to them about this, and my one gay friend is male.  He has his own issues with dating and is in pretty much the same boat that I was in up until a few weeks ago.  

Aside from some one night stands, I have never really had any type of relationship with another female.  There was one in FL I really liked and wanted to be with, but I screwed it up bad by being very insecure, mostly about my weight and looks.  She was much thinner than I was and very pretty. I didn't feel like I could live up to that and it drove her away.  I'll always regret that.

A little background.  

I grew up very isolated.  Parents divorced when I was real young, Mom remarried a man that was never really thrilled to have me around, Dad lived close but was never really around and all were very emotionally absent. Grandparents weren't much better, very standoffish and probably not real thrilled to have a grandchild.  (On both sides.)  I was the "accidental" baby born to 2 people that never really liked each other.  I think they tried to make it work, but it just didn't. I wasn't a real high priority to either one of them.

When Mom and I moved into my Stepfather's house, it was never really explained to me what was going on.  All I knew was I wasn't going to be in the home I grew up in anymore.  That was pretty traumatic to me.  My Stepfather made it clear I was a burden.  It wasn't until I moved out that we finally started getting along.  But at the time, my room was my sanctuary.  I spent more time in there than I ever have anywhere.  Even when I moved out, my new apartment was my sanctuary.  I didn't have friends other than the one in MI.  No one visited me, I visited no one.  

When I turned 25, I met 2 gay men that changed my life.  They brought me out of my shell and helped me learn to make friends.  They helped me figure things out and to learn to accept me for me.  One I wound up renting a room from and one that I hung out with after work almost all the time.  I also met the first woman I ever slept with, and while that ended up bad, (she wanted me to wear her mother's wedding ring after only one night...ummmm...creeeeee-pyyyyyyy!!!), it did teach me that - yes - this is what I want and what feels right to me.  Not that I had anything to compare it to, but it was just so right I knew I needed no further proof.  

A few years ago....and I will try and keep this brief...I made the mistake of falling for a man that identified himself as bi.  He knew about my history with women and that I identified as lesbian, and he was cool with it. I knew of his history with men, that was fine with me.  How it happened, I don't know, but the more we talked, the more we were attracted to each other.  I was living in FL at the time, and he was in NC, my homestate.  I traveled up to see him, and we clicked.........or so we thought.  He had a physical impairment that made full sex impossible, so I still have never had that type.  Having sex with him was more like being with a woman due to his limitations, and secretly, I was relieved by this.  I don't think I would have liked that.  The thought actually makes me ill.  It ended badly, which is just as well because it wasn't honest to start with. I wasn't being honest with myself or with him, and by the same token, he wasn't honest with me.  By no means were we honest to the situation.  In retrospect, I think it was more for both of us a matter of "Someone likes me for me".  We did like each other, we just didn't really love each other.  I feel like it is the biggest lie I have ever lived and I am not proud of this.

Now, I will be honest.  When I started putting up personal ads on the internet, it was for the sole intention of finding a little fun.  I was not looking for anything permanent, just a one night stand really.  Nothing ever came of the ads...Do they ever? The only interest seemed to be from straight couples that wanted a "playmate", and I don't play that shit.  I want another lesbian...no offense to any bi ladies here.  

A few weeks ago, I was on Zoosk and I had downloaded the IM they have.  I hadn't paid for a subscription, so it was pretty useless, but I kept it, just in case.  One woman's profile really caught my eye, and I sent her a flirt.  She had previously answered some of the ice breaker questions I had on there and liked what she had to say.  I answered one ice breaker question on hers, all I could answer without the sub.  Then on a Sunday afternoon, she sent me an IM.  I couldn't answer right away but grabbed my CC and got a one month sub.  I had to restart my computer to get the IM working, but we were soon talking over it and enjoying the conversation.  By the end of the week, we met in person at Starbucks and had a great time.  A few nights later, we kissed and it was like nothing I had ever felt.  I about collapsed.  

Since then, we have talked a lot.  She is pretty much looking for a wife, and I just don't know if I can be that.  To be honest, I am absolutely terrified.  My loner side is coming back out - something I have been fighting for many years - and I am afraid of it ruining this.  I am truly terrified of commitment as the only one I have ever had was to someone that I was lying to myself about.  And the whole time I was living with him, all I wanted was out.  

Now, it's different.  I am finally with a woman.  One I am very attracted to physically and mentally.  She is smart, funny, very sweet and generous.  Although we have only kissed, I want more.  I do know I want it to be more than a one night stand, but I don't know if I really want to - or, more to the point - have the ability to make it more than just dating.  My lone wolf comes out and pushes me away.  Resistance is futile.  The more I fight it, the harder it pushes back.  I am so afraid of breaking her heart.  She is still a bit on the rebound from a bad breakup of a 14 year relationship and is just now coming back around to herself, which I completely respect and don't want to stand in the way of.  Nor do I want to take advantage of that situation.  I sometimes feel like all I would have to do is nudge a little and things would end up in the bedroom in no time, but she equates sex with love more than I do, and she is afraid of falling for someone she doesn't really know, and I am afraid that I would be satisfied with just that and move on and hurt her, and the last thing I ever want to do is hurt anyone.  Especially someone as vulnerable as she is now.  I am not a romantic, she is, I am not very domesticated, she is.  (I am a homebody, but I am not used to sharing space and have never been good at that with past roomates. I have lost many friends by sharing a space with them.)  We went out to a club a couple nights ago, and it really hit me that while I do want to be with her and not lose her, I just may because her goals are probably heavier than mine.  Am I in love?  Not yet.  I may fall in love, I may not.  Right now, I am definitely ready for sex, but maybe not anything else.  However, the more I get to know her and the more time I spend time with her, the more I find myself wanting to just snuggle up in her arms, hold her hand, and just be there.  This also terrifies me.  What if it doesn't work out?  What if we decide we are too different?  I don't know if I am ready for that kind of hurt.  These thoughts were so heavy on my mind at the club I started crying.  We talked some about it when she drove me home, but I couldn't even get all the words out.  I couldn't gather my thoughts together like I am doing now.  This is a huge fault of mine.  Sometimes when I am asked about things, no answer - no WORDS, literally - come to mind and I stutter, panic, and can't even speak enough to say that I can't literally think of anything.  It's like my brain just puts a padlock on my thoughts and throws away the key.  Literally, there are no thoughts in my head....I can't function.  This is very frustrating because I know it looks like avoidance, but this is not the case.  Everything seizes up and I can't say anything...not even "I can't say anything."  Even those few words just aren't there.  I don't know how to get over this and just take the chance.  I don't know how to get over myself.  I find myself wanting to be what she wants, but at the same time I find myself panicking at the thought.  Not to mention that my current living situation - while nearly intolerable - is for my cats.  I know I can't find a place that I can afford where I can have both of them.  I certainly can't afford to buy anything.  They are my kids, and I will never sacrifice them or leave them behind.  This is another obstacle.  I always have to take them into consideration.

If you made it this far, I thank you and any and all advice is most welcome.  Thank you in advance.  If there is any detail that isn't clear, or more info you need, please ask.  

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Hi Chris, Funny, my best friend's name is Chris. Anyway, I think you just need to slow down. We lesbians have this thing of thinking its love in a few days or weeks. Slow down, take a deep breath and enjoy the beginning of something that might be really wonderful in your life. All the anxiety that you are feeling may be some of what she is feeling too. I would just date for awhile. Don't talk about the future or forever or anything like that yet, you hardly know this woman. You have to keep saying this, you hardly know this woman. I have done this too many times, rushed into forever and love and regretted it later when things didnt turn out good because as you get to know someone, really know someone, that someone might not be the one that you thought when you first met.
Just date and have fun getting to know each other. It will give you time to work on your situation. If it is meant to be it will all work out. Love doesn't come quickly it takes time because trust is the foundation of love and trust is earned, not a given. So just be honest, go slow and keep things in perspective. Good luck. mary
Thank you Mary! That is great advice. I can't comment much now, but I will get back to this.
I hate to give advice.....hate it, hate it, hate it! But it seems that you not only want advice, but just someone to open up to, so here's my 2 cents worth. Read Mary's reply, and then read it again. You need to go slow, and not just a few days slow or a few weeks slow, but really, really slow (as in months or longer slow). You both have issues that need ironing out, and getting into a relationship that very well may break both your hearts is not the way to come to terms with those issues. Remember, once the shine of a new girlfriend wears off, the problems that both of you have will not only still be there, but they just might get worse. Date, hold hands, kiss, and maybe make love, but please don't mistake lust as love. Have a fling, have fun, be sexy and if it turns to love, wonderful, but if it doesn't, then you both can walk away with good feelings and maybe (hopefully) an enduring friendship. Again, I just hate giving advice, but if you want it, here it is.........be patient! Good luck, Tina

All I can add is both are saying what I just thought as i read your story.
Tina hates GIVING advice to BUT she has wonderful heart and feels greatly or she would not take this time to comment here. She took lots time in prayer for me during my recent heart surgery.

Thank you Tina.

All I can add is really listen to those wonderful words of advice Mary has for you echoed by Tina.
Then try really looking in ward.
You know already you mind blocks you. So don't allow to many thoughts to think at same time.
I would try along slowing down your mind and your relationship to include
Trying to learn to meditation.
This can allow you to really get in touch with yourself. I also helps calm you.
No plans can be made from being confused.
Meditation allows our thoughts to slow and start to ease an you will learn self control.

As both before me here are saying time and lots of time is needed to help yourself.
Reason is this did not just happen to you over night. Its a life times worth of living and former experiences that lead you to this.Surely it will take a lot of time to get over it and learn new ways to control it.

I agree date have fun explore love an enjoy this new adventure ...
If you can see it all as a adventure you will find it enjoyable rewarding and most of all a learning for self.Reaching new places within you, you never dreamed of before.
I would keep it on a learning basis and and a get to know yourself situation.
All like Mary has said.

Last thing I can say please learn hug an care for you.

Deep inside you ...you never have loved yourself. I feel this starkly in all you have said.
I don't know if you ever try self love [masturbation] but it can help greatly to learn to know your own body. Then you can use what you love to have done from what you don't like, as good conversation when sex comes up.

Learn also.pat yourself on back an love yourself for the person you are. There is no one else like on this entire earth except you. Get to really know you and slow yourself, be calm an take dating slowly and have fun and you will see you will do just fine, cats and all.

Angela

I agree with Angela, love yourself, this is the beginning of all healing.
Thank you all for your kind words and great advice! I want to respond individually, but I really need to get some sleep. Tomorrow night I will have more time....hopefully...and can give more personal responses.

Tonight after we saw each other, I kept repeating to myself, "Baby steps, baby steps"....this is helping me to relax. That is due to the great words I have read here. :D
How is it going for you Chris
Actually, things are going great. We had our first night alone together last night and it was awesome. I am waiting on her now for an outing. Her shift got cancelled, so we can have some more time together.
How did your first night go Chris?
It went really well, thanks! We hit a little rough spot in the road, but got over it. I think things are going to be OK.

Just give it time.  Relationships no matter what kind require each party to work on it.  And we all make mistakes, get our feelings hurt, and so on and so forth.  Its part of being alive and being human.  Love is a risk but one worth taking; so go for it.  You have to do that so you will know how to do this and feel better about it.  As Rae said, empower yourself.  Love yourself.  Just remember the cup is always half full.  You will be fine sweetie.  Just give yourself the chance.

pokerdogv aka vinnigirl

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Etymology / Definition of Masturbation The word masturbation is derived from the Greek word mezea ('penises') and the Latin verb masturbare ('to defile by hand or to disturb by hand'). Masturbation can be defined as deliberate self stimulation of ones genitals. As the etymology of the word suggests, hands are generally used to arouse the sexual organs which may result in orgasm. Men may fondle or stroke their penis with their hand or touch other erroneous zones (like the scrotum or anus). Women often rub the vulva, or gently stroke the clitoris and the minor lips (labia minora). Some women simultaneously play with the nipples of their breasts. Instead of using their hands, both males and females may also rub their genitals against some object, such as a pillow. Some females can reach orgasm by riding a bicycle or a horse. Masturbation commonly refers to sexual activities done alone (autoeroticism), but can be a sexual act between people. This is referred to as mutual masturbation, where one person stimulates their own genitals or their partners. Many people find the sight of their partner masturbating highly erotic. visit ifeelmyself.com

 

There are many special masturbation aids on the market. The most common of these is the artificial penis, also known as a dildo (from the Italian diletto - "delight"). Dildos can be made of wood, rubber, plastic or glass. Vibrators are also popular sex toys. They are like dildos, but battery powered or electric. Great for masturbation as well as partner sex play. Babeland have a great selection of sex toys. Watching pornography, reading erotica or cultivating sexual fantasies are common aids to masturbate. Humans are not the only animals to masturbate. Many other mammals have been known to masturbate in the wild and in captivity. Female Masturbation Techniques There are many different techniques women may employ to masturbate. Through experimentation, a personal preference may be found which gives that particular woman the most exquisite pleasure. Some common techniques are: *Inserting one or more fingers into the vagina to stroke the frontal wall of the vagina where the g-spot is located. * Stroking the clitoris and / or massaging the breasts. * In the bathtub or shower, using warm running water to stimulate the clitoris. * Lying face down and straddling a pillow (or something similar) and rubbing the vulva and clitoris against it. * Standing up, the corner of an item of furniture, or even a washing machine, can be used to stimulate the genitals. * Some women can orgasm by crossing their legs tightly and clenching the pelvic or leg muscles, which creates pressure and enhances blood flow to the genitals. Techniques, Sexual Response & Multiple Orgasms From the website: 'Women commonly masturbate by rubbing or applying pressure to the clitoris, mons, lips of the vagina, or some combination of these areas. The methods by which they do this varies greatly. Fingers or other devices may be used to rub the shaft of the clitoris in an up-and-down motion on either or both sides, or the shaft may be rubbed in a circular fashion. The vaginal lips may be gently pulled; this movement of the inner lips causes the loose skin covering the clitoris to move back and forth, creating a pleasurable sensation. Because the glans of the clitoris is highly sensitive, prolonged stimulation usually becomes irritating, and thus it is not often used as the focus of masturbation. Relatively few women (some sexologists estimate about 20%) insert anything into their vaginas while masturbating. Those who do usually insert just barely into the opening. However, some women completely insert fingers, dildos, vibrators, and other objects, such as bananas and cucumbers, during masturbation. All these methods may involve the use of various kinds of lubricants, and many women stimulate their breasts while stimulating their genitals. Some women use washcloths, clothing, pillows, furs, silks, or other such devices to aid their stimulation. Most women prefer lying on their backs, but some prefer standing or sitting. While standing or sitting, a woman may rub against certain objects, such as doorknobs, dresser drawer pulls, the edge of chairs, or bedposts. The woman may cross her legs and increase the pressure on her genitals by contracting her lower abdominal, gluteal, and thigh muscles. Water massages may be used. Some women derive sexual stimulation while riding a bicycle or a horse, activities that were at one time forbidden to women for that very reason. Female sexual response to masturbation is about the same as for males. Some women have reported orgasm 30 seconds from the start of self-stimulation, while the usual time is a little less than four minutes. Because of a woman's ability to have multiple orgasms, she may maintain her threshold of orgasm far longer than a man. ... When mutual masturbation is employed during intercourse, it may greatly enhance sexual response; some women report that they receive more intense pleasure from masturbation either by themselves or by their partner than they do from coitus, especially if their partner is a male who has only slight potency. This is because the clitoris receives little direct stimulation during pelvic thrusting in the missionary position.'

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Below you will find summaries of articles & websites on Sexual Fetish & Fantasy, i.e. on creativity, the mind & sex, fantasy vs realism, sexual morality, evolution and human sexuality, bestiality, incest, rape, violence, bukkake, bdsm, bondage, spanking, school girl, cheerleader, secretary, milf, smoking, panties, high heels & foot fetish, cartoon pornography, latex, rubber & leather fetish clothing etc.
Obviously 'fetish' gets relatively few searches per day compared to specific fetishes e.g. 'milf' 150,000, 'hentai' 90,000, 'beastiality' 45,000, 'lingerie' 30,000, 'bondage' 20,000, 'bukkake' 15,000.

The top ten related searches for fetish are;
fetish (8,000), foot fetish (5,500), smoking fetish (2,000), medical fetish (1,600), fetish sex (1,150), fetishes (1,000), feet fetish (900), high heel fetish (900), diaper fetish (860), panty fetish (800)

We hope you find the following articles & websites interesting, useful and fun.
Karene Jade Howie


Definition of Sexual Fetish
First described by Sigmund Freud in 1887, sexual fetishism is a form of paraphilia where the object of affection is a specific inanimate object. 

A fetish is an object, not a body part. According to psychology or psychiatric terminology there is no such thing as a 'foot fetish'. That is called a partialism. This is when a part of the body is an extremely important part to achieve sexual arousal. A shoe though, could be a fetish.

A fetish is when a person is sexually aroused by a specific object or objects and is generally unable to achieve sexual satisfaction without that object being present.

What makes a fetish 'fetishism' by definition is that it interferes with your life. It's not just something you like to do, but something you have to do. In other words, there is no other way to have an orgasm except with a shoe, bra or panties present, or whatever that person is into.

 

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